sockknitterporg:

cowardlyshitfish:

riotrite:

If someone tells you they have a disability, please for the love of god don’t try to say you have the same difficulties, unless you’re actually disabled. You don’t, and I promise you, we hear that shit alllllll the time; it doesn’t feel like empathy, it feels like intentional ignorance.

For example, I have a pretty serious memory disability. But I’m smart and talkative and 27, so when I tell people I’m disabled, they almost never take me really seriously. They tell me “haha, me too” or “oh, I forget my keys all the time.” No. That’s not how it works for me. I have memory loss to the extent that it seriously affects my relationships and functionality. I don’t even have the same sense of time as you.

My disability makes me different from most people in crucial ways and that’s why I tell people about it. I’m not looking for you to tell me how we’re similar because 1) I know those things already because I have to and 2) that’s the precise opposite of what I’m trying to tell you, for both of our benefits.

So just don’t. If someone tells you about their disability, just acknowledge it. We know it makes you uncomfortable, but we’re telling you for a reason. So please, just listen. It’ll be way easier.

sincere question: what kind of response would you like to receive instead of forced sympathy? bc i’m rlly bad at communicating w people so any help would be appreciated /o

A sincere answer, albeit a long one.

I have chronic fatigue. I have not been well rested since the mid 1990s, aka before most people on tumblr were born. This leads to EXTREME cognitive difficulty. I need a calculator for simple addition unless both numbers are under 4. (that’s right, I need a calculator for 4+3) I am so tired that I have black spots in my vision. I am prone to just straight up collapsing. And that’s not even touching on the pain that comes with it.

When people say “oh, I had to pull an all nighter once, I get it,” what I hear is “I think you’re exaggerating. It can’t possibly be any worse than pulling an all nighter.”

The appropriate response is simple – show me that you understand that what I’m describing is truly above and beyond what is normal. That can take several forms – “holy shit that’s fucked!” if swearing is your style. “My god, I can’t even imagine,” if it’s not.

“I had to pull an all nighter once, but I couldn’t imagine going without sleep for *that* long.” That’s good, you’re relating it to your own experience WITHOUT crossing the line into “it can’t be worse than my experience!”

However. (This is the important part.) Most of us don’t just announce this information randomly or for laughs. I noticed in your tags (if I read them correctly and can remember what I read correctly) that you said you’re neuroatypical. Why would you add that information? I’m guessing that it was to let people know before responding to you that you aren’t on the same page as a neurotypical. It was (I’m guessing) because you wanted people to modulate their response to you rather than holding you to the same standard as a neurotypical.

Because if you were neurotypical, I would not have interpreted your question as sincere. I would have read it as sarcastic, belittling, and patronising. But you’re not neurotypical, and so I believe you that it’s a sincere question, and so I’m giving you a sincere answer.

When I tell someone I’m disabled, I do it for the same reason.

“Please don’t be offended if I yawn while you’re talking to me, I mean you no disrespect but I have chronic fatigue.”

“I’m sorry I forgot your birthday, I have memory loss stemming from my chronic fatigue.”

“I’m sorry for asking you to do me a favour, but while it’s a simple thing for you, I’m unable to do it because of my disability.”

I tell people I’m disabled… Generally because I need something from them. Usually that thing is understanding. Sometimes it’s slightly more practical, but that’s more of an offline interaction thing.

If someone tells you they’re disabled, the best response is “Is there anything you need from me? Is there anything I should know?”