So I found out a few months ago that wanting to ‘not exist’ or wishing you could ‘just sleep forever’ is also considered suicidal (specifically suicidal idealization). It shocked me cause I used to think that way when I was younger but had previously thought that being suicidal meant explicitly wanting to die.. but it actually involves wanting to not live too.
I think its an important thing to note cause it might allow someone to realize the severity of their condition earlier.
This was the funniest thing to me. Because I was talking to a counselor, and they were like “Are you suicidal?”
“No not really. But sometimes I don’t want to exist though”
“You do know that’s suicidal ideation?”
“…what?”
I wish I kind of knew before. Like honestly, we know so little about mental health.
Same goes for wanting to run away, I had this urge for the longest time, to just leave, I thought it was because I was looking for thrill or something but after a few dozen times of googling “why do I want to run away so badly?” And “is it normal to want to run away?” I found out that that’s also a symptom of depression and suicidal idealization, obviously not as strong but definetly also a part that’s not talked about a lot
Tag: depression

“I just feel so dead inside…”
“Dead inside, you say? I know something that might just work”
reanimate my will to live
Wake me up inside
can’t wake up
[Image Description: screenshot of a predictive Google search. The user has typed “can necromancers heal d…” And Google has suggested, “depression”. End description.]


[id: tweet from muva tae [bird emoji], @otaaee: i asked my 8 yr old sister what she wanted to b when she grew up & she said “i actually dnt wanna b anything”. & when i asked her why not she said “its too much work”. i never felt anything on a spiritual level more than that right there]

[a tweet by @KevinFarzad reads “Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?“]
Everything Is Awful and I’m Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up
Are you hydrated? If not, have a glass of water.
Have you eaten in the past three hours? If not, get some food — something with protein, not just simple carbs. Perhaps some nuts or hummus?
Have you showered in the past day? If not, take a shower right now.
If daytime: are you dressed? If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pajamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.
If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? Put on pajamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes — no electronic screens allowed. If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.
Have you stretched your legs in the past day? If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the spoons for a run or trip to the gym, just walk around the block, then keep walking as long as you please. If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store (e.g. Target) and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.
Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.
Have you moved your body to music in the past day? If not, do so — jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite BPM, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.
Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days? If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing on them.
Do you feel ineffective? Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym bag for your next trip. Good job!
Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Do you feel paralyzed by indecision? Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable. Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.
Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.
Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually? That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand? That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.
Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause. It happens. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.
You’ve made it this far, and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.
thank you so much
You can be depressed and not feel sad or blue. Depression can also be a haze of sleepiness, distractedness/obsessiveness cycles, and a twinge of irritability that can be hard to recognize because you might already be a “fiery” person. It can feel like a lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months.
Can we just… I’ll leave this here.
“some people just refuse to get help, like they don’t want to get better”
yes that’s a depression symptom
some of u are really continually surprised that depressed people are really depressed
saying “you’ll never get better with that attitude” to someone with depression will always sound as if you’re telling them to give up. because that ‘attitude’ is, surprise surprise, their depression.
hey i don’t talk about being chronically ill on this blog much anymore and. i’m not going to start lmao this is the part of my life that i’m the absolute fucking furthest from accepting. self love is fucking miles away. i struggle to talk to other disabled people about this a lot and a lot of it is that i have no way to reconcile things like the social model of disability and other positivity stuff with the fact that my body and mind are both fucking prisons
my disability is on my dating profiles and i keep getting absolutely gorgeous queer disabled people messaging me and being sweet but they say shit like, “hey we should get together and talk about being sick sometime!” and i want to say Thanks! You’re gorgeous and wonderful but i’d rather be shot in the tits than talk about this with another human being! but thanks!
“mogai tumblr made it hard to figure out my gender/sexuality when first coming out”
consider: You don’t have to have a vendetta against queers with the “weird” genders and sexualities, especially teenagers, because you used to consider yourself one of them
also consider: the answer to “my identity was hard to figure out” is not to make it harder for other people. erasing other people’s identities will not make your own more visible. MOGAI people actually quite often find it helpful to have words for their identities, like yourself, and everyone else in the world
also consider: your anger is misdirected. heteronormativity hurt you several billion times more than the split attraction model ever could. No one who IDs as frostgender has the social capital to gaslight and coerce children from birth into a gender. straight and cis people are 100% to blame for the shame we’re made to feel for our identities and placing blame on young queers achieves nothing but furthering that shame. there is no good political goal that can be achieved by bullying mogais you nasty fucks
anyways i was convinced that i was some fun variety of mixed up confusing terms when in reality i was so fucking self conscious i couldnt even fantasize abt other people being attracted to me. instead of, like, working on self image i just told myself i was lithosexual and ignored the very harmful effects that this had on my self image and self esteem.
and i’m really glad, it sounds like you’re in a much better place now! but from your tone and shit exclusionist blog I’m realising this was an attempt to disprove me? when you just said this was all the cause of your own low self esteem. it’s right there. so do you think lithosexuals are to blame for your self esteem issues, or do you want to read the post again until it clicks in?
Nope, it’s because instead of being able to healthily work through very natural feelings that would make a lot of sense, I was given reasons to ignore integral parts of my identity and problems in development. That’s the way I see it at least idk
so… you’re attacking identities because you used them as a harmful coping mechanism. and you’re idk, just pretending a-spec identities can never be helpful to anyone because they weren’t helpful for you?
not my business, just imho u should be working on this kind of resentment with a professional and not with a discourse blog
i told myself I was genderfluid for years before knowing I was a trans girl but somehow I resist the urge to attack that community? do you think I should? bc im damn sure they weren’t the reason I was hiding bits of myself in the first place. it sure wasn’t them keeping me in the closet to myself. there isn’t a mogai plot to give depression to closeted young queers, for fuck’s sake
