when youβre playing dnd and you character keeps rolling crit fails
[a blog title “Every Parent Wants To See Their Child Do Well, But I’d Be Lying If I Didn’t Admit That Watching My Loser Son Fail At Everything He Tries Has Been Pretty Entertaining” by Julie Marigold – Blogger, mother]
everyone in fantasy novels is horny on main for elves and itβs honestly a travesty like why the hell would you want to marry an elf youβll just spend the rest of your days growing old in the woods with a bunch of immortal bastards whose heads are so far up their asses they think singing week-long ballads is prime entertainment and say shit like βthouβ and βbeseechβ unironically y’all should be hooking up with dwarves who 1. actually know how to throw the fuck down and let loose at a party 2. will literally shower you in diamond dust and gold they mined and crafted with their bare hands and 3. can sling you over their shoulder like a sack of potatoes with their huge muscular arms developed from hours of said mining and crafting. thereβs literally no contest.
listen I know we all love the cute little human and the big orc but please consider: big butch orc woman and equally big butch human woman as loud rowdy gfs and each is always 100% ready to fight the entire fukken world for the other. ok thank you
The Official D&D book I contributed to just got announced!
Waterdeep: Dungeon of the Mad Mage!
I wrote and designed a handful of the 20 levels of Undermountain for 5e, along with a team of incredibly talented freelance writers. Iβm so excited to finally be able to share this. Itβs been in the works for ages now!
Ive never played dnd before but if I ever get to be a dm Iβm going to present it as a serious game the first 2 or 3 sessions no funny sounding names no nothing its all high fantasy and serious before completely shattering it in the worst way possible
explain
Sure, imagine Your party stuck in a cave fighting wild catlike creatures or something alike.
The creatures have blocked the way out And the only other way out seems to be a steady but shallow stream of water going deep inside the cave. You are losing the Fight but then you look up at The entrance And you see a silhouette of a man in expensive looking clothing looking down on you. You plead for help but he doesnt respond, instead he starts charging a spell Which makes the water coming from outside cover the caves Floor. The spell Weaves Around Your party but is starting to tug at the creatures. When you look up at the man you can see his face because of the glow coming from his hands, he looks middle aged, human with dark skin and short grey hair. His unexpressive eyes suddenly turn bright red as he says in a calm yet powerfull voice:
βPerish.β
All the animals in the cave get swooped away by the water, letting out one final cry as they get carried into the abyss. he slowly walks to Your weakened party. He stops right in front of you.
βHail And Well met, my name is Barack, descendent of the house of White.β
βhail and well met my
name is barack descendent
of the house of white
^Haiku^bot^9. I detect haikus with 5-7-5 format. Sometimes I make mistakes.
Those that derail the adventure by saying βIβm gonna kill itβ
Those that derail the adventure by saying βIβm gonna steal itβ
Those that derail the adventure by saying βIβm gonna fuck itβ
Kill:
Paladin – unflinchingly devoted to combating evil, or dangerously repressed? Either way, inclined to smite first, ask questions never, because they donβt approve of necromancy.
Ranger – if youβre lucky, the ranger has a tragic backstory that requires revenge. If youβre not, theyβre straight up a trophy hunter.
Barbarian – tendency to get murdery when confused.
Steal:
Rogue – if itβs not nailed down, the rogueβs taking it home. If it is nailed down, theyβre also taking the nails.
Wizard – look, those spell books arenβt going to read themselves, unless they will, in which case the wizard reallyΒ wants them.
Fighter – less impulsively stabby than the more niche stabby classes, but may be unlikely to resist the urge to acquire something fancy to stab with.
Fuck:
Bard – if you donβt roll to seduce the big bad, are you even really playing a bard?
Sorcerer – it runs in the family, probably.
Druid – this is not the intended use of wildshape and no one wants this but there goes the druid anyway.
Wildcards:
Cleric – depends pretty heavily on what sort of god they follow, but youβll probably know howΒ theyβll ruin everything by the time they do so.
Warlock – honestly, who knows, itβs likely even theyβre not sure which category theyβre going to fall into until their patronβs orders come in.
ππ§ (archive) 